I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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