i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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