Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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