I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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