I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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