This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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