If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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