Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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