i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
