she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
