and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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