yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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