By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
