omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
