her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
youre lurking in front of me
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
my shit smells like andre
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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