i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
