god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
