i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
