Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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