Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
