4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize