I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
