The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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