I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
