My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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