He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
