Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
