i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
