Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
