Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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