i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My ass is underappreciated
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
