I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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