your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
