I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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