I am in a vortex of obligation.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Randomize
