my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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