In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Fuck appropriateness.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
