like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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