I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
