I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
