Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Alive.
So much puke
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
