I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
