I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
