i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I believe in your delicious
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
