I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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