considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
