is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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