You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
