Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
