i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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