Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
