The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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