apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
