Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize