It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize