Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
