I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
