she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
