I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
