I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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