shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
