Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize