so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
