the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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