i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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