I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
