Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize