fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
